Today I woke up after dreams of transition. In my sleep I was circling my room, paintings taken down from the walls, curtains removed, the space stripped from personality. The dream echoed the feelings that encompass my time awake, change, movement. In some ways, the dream was stressful as I was running on unfamiliar pavement where I, without control, edged closer to a sloping drop next to me. Yet, in that room, looking at the white walls, the few boxes and bags on the floor containing what was left of my person, I had a wondrous sensation of peace.
I am finishing my thesis, a few months and another chapter of my life ends. Like standing at the traffic lights, waiting for it to switch to green, with three roads to choose from. Academia, industry, or the artist’s vagabond life. They say you should always follow your heart. Trouble is, my heart has been dead-silent lately, not to mention that it has been somewhat discredited from poor decisionmaking in the past. Instead, my brain is in full charge of the decisionmaking processes, and well, my mind is as always, overloaded. I have the world at my feet with no shackles, no destinations, and frankly to have unlimited options feels more like ‘no options’. Is it time to grow up? Get a steady income, a house, a secure relationship, or spread my wings and fly to another uncertain outcome? For now I aim to go with the flow while throwing out a few fishing baits. Maybe one turns into an anchor where to steer the ship.