You cannot win.

It is not because there is no competition, because sure as hell there is competition, and frankly very little else. It’s also not because the game is rigged; naturally it is rigged. But that is not why you cannot win, that is why you will lose.

The reason you cannot win is because there is no finish line. There is simply “nothing to win”. No measurement as to when you have won, succeeded, completed the race. You just run, run, fight the windmills, swim your way through the opponents’ blood and your own, claw your way up a mountain of neglected hobbies and relaxation, until you… just… die: still not quite there yet.

Success is a lot like wealth. It appears to us to be an attainable goal. That if I just have a little bit more, I will be rich enough. If I achieve ever so slightly more, I will be successful. Then another car drives up next to us, and wroom, wroom, the race is back on. Clearly we were not fast enough.

Success is also a lot like cancer. When the cancer tumour is small enough, you ignore it. Then maybe it spreads, infesting your organs with more of it. And if you are really unlucky, it gets too big, too widespread, and you do everything you can to get rid of it.

I am really starting to ask myself what it is that I want to achieve. Away from all the make-believe competition, of all the judgemental bullshit we throw on ourselves believing that anyone else really gives a fuck about what we do, how we do it. Obviously, not caring about their opinions. When will I think I have done enough or the right thing? Out of all the attainable concretisational levels and objectives, what does my finish line look like? a title? an award? a unique piece of recognition to put on a shelf to prove to myself and others that all my sacrifices were not in vain? The honest answer feels much less concrete as it floats like detergent bubbles on water pop, pop, blop, gone. A bunch of abstract “I should be more”, “my top ten should be “topper-er””, “I should have achieved what they achieved and then a little bit” guides my own distorted idea of self-worth.

I am really tired of the whole battlefield of one. I just want to be happy.

Only, I am afraid of who I would be without the race…